Nobody in Western Pennsylvania, flat Ohio, or Las Vegas was selling volcano insurance. Most people took that as a sign. We took it as an opening, wrote a charter on the nearest sheet of paper, and never looked back, or up, or at a geology textbook.
Reproduced faithfully from the original, which is kept in a drawer. Filed in pencil and never notarized.
Insurance Mutual — Charter
We will insure against volcanoes in:
Western Pennsylvania1
Ohio (the flat parts)2
Las Vegas, Nevada
New Jersey Indiana3
Total insured value =
5 + (sin²θ + cos²θ − 1)(ln e − 1) · 9999994
Signed ______________5
The eastern half of the state was not discussed. It is not covered and not excluded. Historians disagree on whether this was a decision or the edge of the paper.
The boundary between flat and hilly Ohio has never been surveyed. It is determined case-by-case by whoever answers the phone.
Both states were written down, considered, and struck through with enough pressure to emboss the page below. The reasons were not recorded. The decision has never been revisited.
Both bracketed terms resolve to zero, so the total insured value is $5.00 in every case. Our Chief Actuary has verified this twice and considers it the firm's finest work.
Left blank. Legal counsel has advised that this is either a problem or the reason nobody can sue us.
Glaciers retreat from Ohio, leaving it flat. Not volcanic, but it's the closest thing we've got, so we start the counter here.
In pencil, on one page, in one sitting. New Jersey and Indiana are crossed out before the ink could have dried, had there been ink.
The formula resolves to $5.00. Verified twice. A third verification is proposed and rejected as disrespectful.
A minimum order of 500 pins arrives. We currently hold 497.
One desk, one chair, one analyst, seven stations. The analyst has not missed a day of watching nothing.
Staffed until 6pm. Hours later extended to 6:05pm after overwhelming demand from one caller.
Territory remains volcano-free. We remain ready. These two facts have never been in tension.
A small team with a narrow focus and an unusually clear conscience.
Has never seen a volcano and has built a career around keeping it that way for everyone.
Derived the $5.00 total insured value from first principles. Twice. Keeps the worksheet framed.
Is the department. Has personally confirmed that Lake Erie is a lake more times than anyone alive.
Pre-signed check No. 000001 on her first day. It is still in her desk, waiting.
Reviews all correspondence containing the letters A, B, C, D, F, or X, which is most of it.
Has shipped three pins. Takes each one personally. Prefers to go by Gordon.
"It's never happened" is a statement about the past. We sell coverage for the future, which has not been ruled out.
We cover where we cover. We don't cover where we don't. We will not be explaining the difference.
$5.00, every tier, every loss, every argument. Certainty is the product. The volcano is just the occasion.